July 1st will be one month since my grandma left us ..I feel like she is with us most times.
Like yesterday we had the most intense spectacular rainbow I have seen grace the sky..My cousin sent me a message.."Go outside and look at the rainbow" ..when I stepped out the door the sky was a hue of easter egg pink , I looked to the right and I had chills..the rainbow was brilliant ..I felt in that moment this was something she sent to us.
I have seen butterflies and fireflies dancing about ..jewel toned birds making nests fluffy earth toned squirrels inspecting my newly planted garden all of them enlightening my senses seeming as though they are gifts or messages from her saying I am well.. I am with you.
I feel like I notice beauty more ..I hear the birds singing clearer and see flowers more vibrant ..I taste my freshly grown basil as if its the first time .. when she left my heart broke into pieces but I was also given life in a new way and it is up to me to live it fully now.
We love you "Ma"
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Meet Maui
She teaches us the Aloha Spirit every day
THE ALOHA SPIRIT
The Aloha Spirit is a well known reference to the attitude of friendly acceptance for which the Hawaiian Islands are so famous. However, it also refers to a powerful way to resolve any problem, accomplish any goal, and to achieve any state of mind or body that you desire.
In the Hawaiian language, aloha stands for much more than just "hello" or "goodbye" or "love." Its deeper meaning is "the joyful (oha) sharing (alo) of life energy (ha) in the present (alo)."
As you share this energy you become attuned to the Universal Power that the Hawaiians call mana. And the loving use of this incredible Power is the secret for attaining true health, happiness, prosperity and success.
The way to tune into this Power and have it work for you is so simple that you might be tempted to pass it off as being too easy to be true. Please don't let yourself be fooled by appearances. Take the time to try it out.
This is the most powerful technique in the world, and although it is extremely simple it may not prove easy, because you must remember to do it and you have to do it a lot. It is a secret which has been given to humanity over and over again, and here it is once more in another form. The secret is this:
Bless everyone and everything that represents what you want!
That's all there is to it. Anything that simple, however, does need some explanation.
To bless something means to give recognition or emphasis to a positive quality, characteristic or condition, with the intent that what is recognized or emphasized will increase, endure or come into being.
Blessing is effective in changing your life or getting what you want for three reasons: First of all, the positive focus of your mind stirs up the positive, creative force of the Power of the Universe. Secondly, it moves your own energy outward, allowing more of the Power to come through you. Thirdly, when you bless for the benefit of others instead of directly for yourself, you tend to bypass any subconscious fears about what you want for yourself, and also the very focus on the blessing acts to increase the same good in your life. What is so beautiful about this process is that the blessing you do for others helps them as well as you.
Blessing may be done with imagery or touch, but the most usual and easy way to do it is with words. The main kinds of verbal blessing are:
Admiration - This is the giving of compliments or praise to something good that you notice. E.g., "What a beautiful sunset; I like that flower; you're such a wonderful person."
Affirmation - This is a specific statement of blessing for increase or endurance. E.g., "I bless the beauty of this tree; blessed be the health of your body."
Appreciation - This is an expression of gratitude that something good exists or has happened. E.g., "Thank you for helping me; I give thanks to the rain for nourishing the land."
Anticipation - This is blessing for the future. E.g., "We're going to have a great picnic; I bless your increased income; Thank you for my perfect mate; I wish you a happy journey; May the wind be always at your back."
In order to gain the most benefit from blessing, you will have to give up or cut way down on the one thing that negates it: cursing. This doesn't mean swearing or saying "bad" words. It refers to the opposite of blessing, namely criticizing instead of admiring; doubting instead of affirming; blaming instead of appreciating; and worrying instead of anticipating with trust. Whenever any of these are done they tend to cancel out some of the effects of blessing. So the more you curse the harder it will be and the longer it will take to get the good from a blessing. On the other hand, the more you bless the less harm any cursing will do.
Here, then, are some ideas for blessing various needs and desires. Apply them as often as you like, as much as you want.
Health - Bless healthy people, animals, and even plants; everything which is well made or well constructed; and everything that expresses abundant energy.
Happiness - Bless all that is good, or the good that is in all people and all things; all the signs of happiness that you see, hear or feel in people or animals; and all potentials for happiness that you notice around you.
Prosperity - Bless all the signs of prosperity in your environment, including everything that money helped to make or do; all the money that you have in any form; and all the money that circulates in the world.
Success - Bless all signs of achievement and completion (such as buildings, bridges, and sports events); all arrivals at destinations (of ships, planes, trains, cars and people); all signs of forward movement or persistence; and all signs of enjoyment or fun.
Confidence - Bless all signs of confidence in people and animals; all signs of strength in people, animals and objects (including steel and concrete); all signs of stability (like mountains and tall trees); and all signs of purposeful power (including big machines, power lines).
Love and Friendship - Bless all signs of caring and nurturing, compassion and support; all harmonious relationships in nature and architecture; everything that is connected to or gently touching something else; all signs of cooperation, as in games or work; and all signs of laughter and fun.
Inner Peace - Bless all signs of quietness, calmness, tranquility, and serenity (such as quiet water or still air); all distant views (horizons, stars, the moon); all signs of beauty of sight, sound or touch; clear colors and shapes; the details of natural or made objects.
Spiritual Growth - Bless all signs of growth, development and change in Nature; the transitions of dawn and twilight; the movement of sun, moon, planets and stars; the flight of birds in the sky; and the movement of wind and sea.
The previous ideas are for guidance if you are not used to blessing, but don't be limited by them. Remember that any quality, characteristic or condition can be blessed (e.g., you can bless slender poles and slim animals to encourage weight loss), whether it has existed, presently exists, or exists so far in your imagination alone.
Personally I have used the power of blessing to heal my body, increase my income, develop many skills, create a deeply loving relationship with my wife and children, and to establish a worldwide network of peacemakers working with the aloha spirit. It's because it has worked so well for me that I want to share it with you. Please share it with as many others as you can.
How to Enhance Your Power to Bless
There is a technique practiced in Hawaii which enhances your power to bless by increasing your personal energy. It is a simple way of breathing that is also used for grounding, centering, meditation and healing. It requires no special place or posture, and may be done while moving or still, busy or resting, with eyes open or closed. In Hawaiian the technique is called pikopiko because piko means both the crown of the head and the navel.
The Technique
1. Become aware of your natural breathing (it might change on its own just because of your awareness, but that's okay).
2. Locate the crown of your head and your navel by awareness and/or touch.
3. Now, as you inhale put your attention on the crown of your head; and as you exhale put your attention on your navel. Keep breathing this way for as long as you like.
4. When you feel relaxed, centered, and/or energized, begin imagining that you are surrounded with an invisible cloud of light or an electro-magnetic field, and that your breathing increases the energy of this cloud or field.
5. As you bless, imagine that the object of your blessing is surrounded with some of the same energy that surrounds you.
This is adapted from
The Little Pink Booklet of Aloha
by Serge Kahili King
I love the "Aloha Spirit" thank you Serge Kahili King : )
ALOHA WORKS - WORLDWIDE
The Aloha Project of Aloha International provides booklets like this to individuals, groups, organizations and institutions around the world through the generous contributions of donors who believe that the world can be a better place by providing information that helps people to help themselves.
To make a contribution to the Project, to recommend a recipient group or organization, or for more information contact:
The Aloha Project
PO Box 426
Volcano HI 96785 USA
(808) 645-7007
www.alohainternational.org
huna@huna.org
The Aloha Spirit is a well known reference to the attitude of friendly acceptance for which the Hawaiian Islands are so famous. However, it also refers to a powerful way to resolve any problem, accomplish any goal, and to achieve any state of mind or body that you desire.
In the Hawaiian language, aloha stands for much more than just "hello" or "goodbye" or "love." Its deeper meaning is "the joyful (oha) sharing (alo) of life energy (ha) in the present (alo)."
As you share this energy you become attuned to the Universal Power that the Hawaiians call mana. And the loving use of this incredible Power is the secret for attaining true health, happiness, prosperity and success.
The way to tune into this Power and have it work for you is so simple that you might be tempted to pass it off as being too easy to be true. Please don't let yourself be fooled by appearances. Take the time to try it out.
This is the most powerful technique in the world, and although it is extremely simple it may not prove easy, because you must remember to do it and you have to do it a lot. It is a secret which has been given to humanity over and over again, and here it is once more in another form. The secret is this:
Bless everyone and everything that represents what you want!
That's all there is to it. Anything that simple, however, does need some explanation.
To bless something means to give recognition or emphasis to a positive quality, characteristic or condition, with the intent that what is recognized or emphasized will increase, endure or come into being.
Blessing is effective in changing your life or getting what you want for three reasons: First of all, the positive focus of your mind stirs up the positive, creative force of the Power of the Universe. Secondly, it moves your own energy outward, allowing more of the Power to come through you. Thirdly, when you bless for the benefit of others instead of directly for yourself, you tend to bypass any subconscious fears about what you want for yourself, and also the very focus on the blessing acts to increase the same good in your life. What is so beautiful about this process is that the blessing you do for others helps them as well as you.
Blessing may be done with imagery or touch, but the most usual and easy way to do it is with words. The main kinds of verbal blessing are:
Admiration - This is the giving of compliments or praise to something good that you notice. E.g., "What a beautiful sunset; I like that flower; you're such a wonderful person."
Affirmation - This is a specific statement of blessing for increase or endurance. E.g., "I bless the beauty of this tree; blessed be the health of your body."
Appreciation - This is an expression of gratitude that something good exists or has happened. E.g., "Thank you for helping me; I give thanks to the rain for nourishing the land."
Anticipation - This is blessing for the future. E.g., "We're going to have a great picnic; I bless your increased income; Thank you for my perfect mate; I wish you a happy journey; May the wind be always at your back."
In order to gain the most benefit from blessing, you will have to give up or cut way down on the one thing that negates it: cursing. This doesn't mean swearing or saying "bad" words. It refers to the opposite of blessing, namely criticizing instead of admiring; doubting instead of affirming; blaming instead of appreciating; and worrying instead of anticipating with trust. Whenever any of these are done they tend to cancel out some of the effects of blessing. So the more you curse the harder it will be and the longer it will take to get the good from a blessing. On the other hand, the more you bless the less harm any cursing will do.
Here, then, are some ideas for blessing various needs and desires. Apply them as often as you like, as much as you want.
Health - Bless healthy people, animals, and even plants; everything which is well made or well constructed; and everything that expresses abundant energy.
Happiness - Bless all that is good, or the good that is in all people and all things; all the signs of happiness that you see, hear or feel in people or animals; and all potentials for happiness that you notice around you.
Prosperity - Bless all the signs of prosperity in your environment, including everything that money helped to make or do; all the money that you have in any form; and all the money that circulates in the world.
Success - Bless all signs of achievement and completion (such as buildings, bridges, and sports events); all arrivals at destinations (of ships, planes, trains, cars and people); all signs of forward movement or persistence; and all signs of enjoyment or fun.
Confidence - Bless all signs of confidence in people and animals; all signs of strength in people, animals and objects (including steel and concrete); all signs of stability (like mountains and tall trees); and all signs of purposeful power (including big machines, power lines).
Love and Friendship - Bless all signs of caring and nurturing, compassion and support; all harmonious relationships in nature and architecture; everything that is connected to or gently touching something else; all signs of cooperation, as in games or work; and all signs of laughter and fun.
Inner Peace - Bless all signs of quietness, calmness, tranquility, and serenity (such as quiet water or still air); all distant views (horizons, stars, the moon); all signs of beauty of sight, sound or touch; clear colors and shapes; the details of natural or made objects.
Spiritual Growth - Bless all signs of growth, development and change in Nature; the transitions of dawn and twilight; the movement of sun, moon, planets and stars; the flight of birds in the sky; and the movement of wind and sea.
The previous ideas are for guidance if you are not used to blessing, but don't be limited by them. Remember that any quality, characteristic or condition can be blessed (e.g., you can bless slender poles and slim animals to encourage weight loss), whether it has existed, presently exists, or exists so far in your imagination alone.
Personally I have used the power of blessing to heal my body, increase my income, develop many skills, create a deeply loving relationship with my wife and children, and to establish a worldwide network of peacemakers working with the aloha spirit. It's because it has worked so well for me that I want to share it with you. Please share it with as many others as you can.
How to Enhance Your Power to Bless
There is a technique practiced in Hawaii which enhances your power to bless by increasing your personal energy. It is a simple way of breathing that is also used for grounding, centering, meditation and healing. It requires no special place or posture, and may be done while moving or still, busy or resting, with eyes open or closed. In Hawaiian the technique is called pikopiko because piko means both the crown of the head and the navel.
The Technique
1. Become aware of your natural breathing (it might change on its own just because of your awareness, but that's okay).
2. Locate the crown of your head and your navel by awareness and/or touch.
3. Now, as you inhale put your attention on the crown of your head; and as you exhale put your attention on your navel. Keep breathing this way for as long as you like.
4. When you feel relaxed, centered, and/or energized, begin imagining that you are surrounded with an invisible cloud of light or an electro-magnetic field, and that your breathing increases the energy of this cloud or field.
5. As you bless, imagine that the object of your blessing is surrounded with some of the same energy that surrounds you.
This is adapted from
The Little Pink Booklet of Aloha
by Serge Kahili King
I love the "Aloha Spirit" thank you Serge Kahili King : )
ALOHA WORKS - WORLDWIDE
The Aloha Project of Aloha International provides booklets like this to individuals, groups, organizations and institutions around the world through the generous contributions of donors who believe that the world can be a better place by providing information that helps people to help themselves.
To make a contribution to the Project, to recommend a recipient group or organization, or for more information contact:
The Aloha Project
PO Box 426
Volcano HI 96785 USA
(808) 645-7007
www.alohainternational.org
huna@huna.org
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sweet Red Wine
I had a friend come visit me last night and read my tarot..the cards point to new projects in my life,basically all of the 13 or so I pulled talked about this..new projects..the theme was "New".
If you havent tried Red Cat wine I suggest you do..its super delish with Vegan Artichoke Dip (which michelle dipped her cheese in lol)
Here is the recipe I used..
Easy Vegan Artichoke Dip
Ingredients:
2 cans of artichoke hearts
2 tablespoon soy cream cheese
4 tablespoon vegan mayonaise (I prefer veganaise)
vegan parmesean cheese
Instructions:
Preheat the oven to 375F degrees. Drain artichoke hearts from can, cut into small pieces, and place into a baking dish. Add vegan mayonaise and soy cream cheese, and stir everything together. The artichokes should be coated thoroughly to prevent drying when baking in the oven. Sprinkle vegan parmesean cheese on top. Place dish in oven for 20-30 minutes until hot.
We used crackers for dipping..yum !
I love having a friend that you dont have to see or talk to everyday and the energy between you always stays the same or gets wiser and more magical as it has with us over the years.
We laughed found out our futures and made another memory..just what I needed..so thanks Michelle : )
This is my second Sunday and it was sort of a dreary rainy day but the birds chirped anyway and life moved along ,time does not stop or stand still because of any feeling or circumstance..and this I am learning thanks to sweet red wine and friends.
If you havent tried Red Cat wine I suggest you do..its super delish with Vegan Artichoke Dip (which michelle dipped her cheese in lol)
Here is the recipe I used..
Easy Vegan Artichoke Dip
Ingredients:
2 cans of artichoke hearts
2 tablespoon soy cream cheese
4 tablespoon vegan mayonaise (I prefer veganaise)
vegan parmesean cheese
Instructions:
Preheat the oven to 375F degrees. Drain artichoke hearts from can, cut into small pieces, and place into a baking dish. Add vegan mayonaise and soy cream cheese, and stir everything together. The artichokes should be coated thoroughly to prevent drying when baking in the oven. Sprinkle vegan parmesean cheese on top. Place dish in oven for 20-30 minutes until hot.
We used crackers for dipping..yum !
I love having a friend that you dont have to see or talk to everyday and the energy between you always stays the same or gets wiser and more magical as it has with us over the years.
We laughed found out our futures and made another memory..just what I needed..so thanks Michelle : )
This is my second Sunday and it was sort of a dreary rainy day but the birds chirped anyway and life moved along ,time does not stop or stand still because of any feeling or circumstance..and this I am learning thanks to sweet red wine and friends.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I have the most beautiful friends..I am blessed
A friend of mine sent me the lyrics to this song..
Death Is Not The End..Bob Dylan
When you’re sad and when you’re lonely
And you haven’t got a friend
Just remember that death is not the end
And all that you’ve held sacred
Falls down and does not mend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end
When you’re standing at the crossroads
That you cannot comprehend
Just remember that death is not the end
And all your dreams have vanished
And you don’t know what’s up the bend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end
When the storm clouds gather ’round you
And heavy rains descend
Just remember that death is not the end
And there’s no one there to comfort you
With a helpin’ hand to lend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end
Oh, the tree of life is growing
Where the spirit never dies
And the bright light of salvation shines
In dark and empty skies
When the cities are on fire
With the burning flesh of men
Just remember that death is not the end
And you search in vain to find
Just one law-abiding citizen
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
A friend of mine sent me the lyrics to this song..
Death Is Not The End..Bob Dylan
When you’re sad and when you’re lonely
And you haven’t got a friend
Just remember that death is not the end
And all that you’ve held sacred
Falls down and does not mend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end
When you’re standing at the crossroads
That you cannot comprehend
Just remember that death is not the end
And all your dreams have vanished
And you don’t know what’s up the bend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end
When the storm clouds gather ’round you
And heavy rains descend
Just remember that death is not the end
And there’s no one there to comfort you
With a helpin’ hand to lend
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Just remember that death is not the end
Oh, the tree of life is growing
Where the spirit never dies
And the bright light of salvation shines
In dark and empty skies
When the cities are on fire
With the burning flesh of men
Just remember that death is not the end
And you search in vain to find
Just one law-abiding citizen
Just remember that death is not the end
Not the end, not the end
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Raindrops and Soup
Its wednesday and raining ..I love rainy days most times and today is one of them.
I decided to make soup and dog treats for my puppy Maui..organic pumpkin..I hope she likes them because right now all she seems to crave is the cats food.
Monday came and went and the feeling I had for most of it can be described as numb..just sorta going through the motions with a knowing that things are different now.
I have to start reading again..I love to read and it always takes me away so I am open to suggestions.
Here is the recipe for the soup im making today..it almost feels like early fall but the wind has that sweet smell of summer..
Tuscan Vegetable Soup
INGREDIENTS:
1 medium white onion, peeled and chopped
Approx. 1 1/2 cups chopped peeled carrot
Approx. 1 1/2 cups chopped celery
Olive oil for sauteing veggies
2 cups cubed potatoes
1 heaping Tbs fresh chopped rosemary (or 1 tsp dried rosemary)
4 cups vegetable stock (or more as needed)
1 15-ounce can white beans, well drained
4-6 ounces baby spinach
Salt to taste
Red pepper flakes to taste (optional)
1-2 cups grape tomatoes pan roasted in olive oil until blistered
Add a splash of olive oil to the soup pot and then saute 1 medium chopped white onion, about the same amount of peeled and sliced carrots and celery and 1 large minced clove of garlic.
After 5 minutes or so, add 2 cups of cubed potatoes and 1 Tbs of chopped fresh rosemary or 1 tsp of chopped dried rosemary and, at this point, you'll want to add enough vegetable stock to cover and let it simmer along.
Once you're happy that the vegetables are just about cooked through, add 1 well drained 15-ounce can of white beans and a good handful of baby spinach, if you're using it, and let that cook along.
Next, use a saute pan on medium high heat with a good splash of olive oil, to pan roast some grape tomatoes.
Toss the tomatoes around until they are nicely blistered all around and turn the heat off.
Season the soup with a little salt and a pinch of red pepper flakes if you like a little heat and it's time to eat.
Put a big spoonful of the blistered tomatoes in the center of the soup, add a drizzle of olive oil, and finish with a sprinkling of grated parmesan "cheese" (I use vegan grated cheese and its yummy)
I decided to make soup and dog treats for my puppy Maui..organic pumpkin..I hope she likes them because right now all she seems to crave is the cats food.
Monday came and went and the feeling I had for most of it can be described as numb..just sorta going through the motions with a knowing that things are different now.
I have to start reading again..I love to read and it always takes me away so I am open to suggestions.
Here is the recipe for the soup im making today..it almost feels like early fall but the wind has that sweet smell of summer..
Tuscan Vegetable Soup
INGREDIENTS:
1 medium white onion, peeled and chopped
Approx. 1 1/2 cups chopped peeled carrot
Approx. 1 1/2 cups chopped celery
Olive oil for sauteing veggies
2 cups cubed potatoes
1 heaping Tbs fresh chopped rosemary (or 1 tsp dried rosemary)
4 cups vegetable stock (or more as needed)
1 15-ounce can white beans, well drained
4-6 ounces baby spinach
Salt to taste
Red pepper flakes to taste (optional)
1-2 cups grape tomatoes pan roasted in olive oil until blistered
Add a splash of olive oil to the soup pot and then saute 1 medium chopped white onion, about the same amount of peeled and sliced carrots and celery and 1 large minced clove of garlic.
After 5 minutes or so, add 2 cups of cubed potatoes and 1 Tbs of chopped fresh rosemary or 1 tsp of chopped dried rosemary and, at this point, you'll want to add enough vegetable stock to cover and let it simmer along.
Once you're happy that the vegetables are just about cooked through, add 1 well drained 15-ounce can of white beans and a good handful of baby spinach, if you're using it, and let that cook along.
Next, use a saute pan on medium high heat with a good splash of olive oil, to pan roast some grape tomatoes.
Toss the tomatoes around until they are nicely blistered all around and turn the heat off.
Season the soup with a little salt and a pinch of red pepper flakes if you like a little heat and it's time to eat.
Put a big spoonful of the blistered tomatoes in the center of the soup, add a drizzle of olive oil, and finish with a sprinkling of grated parmesan "cheese" (I use vegan grated cheese and its yummy)
I just heard a bit of thunder ..I am hoping we are graced with a rainbow by sunset
Sunday, June 6, 2010
My First Sunday
Today is my first Sunday since she left us ..last sunday I sat in her bedroom listening to Bob Dylans "A hard rains gonna fall" not knowing when that time would come but that the air smelled of rain.
She left us the next evening..Memorial day to be exact and a hard rain did fall that night.
Sunday was always my day to visit my grandmas house for as long as I can remember Sunday became that day and even if I had to miss a Sunday , I always felt like I should be there instead of whatever took me away.
Today is Sunday and I feel like I should be there except she isnt here anymore..
About 5 weeks ago she had been complaining of severe pain,actually that pain had been going on for some time but she refused to let us take her to see a Dr but this time the pain became so bad that she agreed and I knew as I drove to pick her up my life was going to change.
We arrived at the hospital,my cousin and father met us there,we didnt speak the words but we knew it wasnt good.
Later that day my aunt and uncle arrived and they were in the room with her when the news came..she had terminal cancer and the outlook wasnt good.
The next 5 weeks went by faster than any other time in my 36 years of life..
We went to see a specialist that following Monday and he said in his opinion she had 4-6 weeks..she left us exactly 4 weeks later on a Monday.
Cancer sucks..but in the moments I can get beyond the anger I guess I have learned alot about life and love from cancer and in both my experiences with terminal cancer we were granted time..with my uncle we were given about 6 months and with my grandma about 5 weeks but any time when you know death is near is precious and if I can be grateful to cancer for anything it is Time.
During the past 4 weeks I was at her house helping her every day and one day I saw on her dresser words written on a small piece of paper,I looked at it and it said "Shelter from the Storm"..she always loved Bob Dylan..we were raised on his music or rather his poetry and I knew she had written that down because she was asking for shelter from this storm that cancer and pain was causing her and in that moment all I wanted to do was find that for her.
I thought I had experienced heart break before now..I mean to some extent I guess I have but not in this form,this is the kind of thing I have read books about ,the best songs are written about,this is real heart break and I am not sure it ever realy leaves.
I decided to write about my feelings and my journey with grief..im told grief has many stages..I am not quite sure what stage im in but I know I am a different person in only 6 days.
Today it rained all day until about 30 minutes ago..the sunshine is beaming and the birds are happy,I suppose I should try to be too..I think I will make some pasta pour a glass of wine and watch the sunset..my first sunday will be over soon .....
She left us the next evening..Memorial day to be exact and a hard rain did fall that night.
Sunday was always my day to visit my grandmas house for as long as I can remember Sunday became that day and even if I had to miss a Sunday , I always felt like I should be there instead of whatever took me away.
Today is Sunday and I feel like I should be there except she isnt here anymore..
About 5 weeks ago she had been complaining of severe pain,actually that pain had been going on for some time but she refused to let us take her to see a Dr but this time the pain became so bad that she agreed and I knew as I drove to pick her up my life was going to change.
We arrived at the hospital,my cousin and father met us there,we didnt speak the words but we knew it wasnt good.
Later that day my aunt and uncle arrived and they were in the room with her when the news came..she had terminal cancer and the outlook wasnt good.
The next 5 weeks went by faster than any other time in my 36 years of life..
We went to see a specialist that following Monday and he said in his opinion she had 4-6 weeks..she left us exactly 4 weeks later on a Monday.
Cancer sucks..but in the moments I can get beyond the anger I guess I have learned alot about life and love from cancer and in both my experiences with terminal cancer we were granted time..with my uncle we were given about 6 months and with my grandma about 5 weeks but any time when you know death is near is precious and if I can be grateful to cancer for anything it is Time.
During the past 4 weeks I was at her house helping her every day and one day I saw on her dresser words written on a small piece of paper,I looked at it and it said "Shelter from the Storm"..she always loved Bob Dylan..we were raised on his music or rather his poetry and I knew she had written that down because she was asking for shelter from this storm that cancer and pain was causing her and in that moment all I wanted to do was find that for her.
I thought I had experienced heart break before now..I mean to some extent I guess I have but not in this form,this is the kind of thing I have read books about ,the best songs are written about,this is real heart break and I am not sure it ever realy leaves.
I decided to write about my feelings and my journey with grief..im told grief has many stages..I am not quite sure what stage im in but I know I am a different person in only 6 days.
Today it rained all day until about 30 minutes ago..the sunshine is beaming and the birds are happy,I suppose I should try to be too..I think I will make some pasta pour a glass of wine and watch the sunset..my first sunday will be over soon .....
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