My First Sunday

Today is my first Sunday since she left us ..last sunday I sat in her bedroom listening to Bob Dylans "A hard rains gonna fall" not knowing when that time would come but that the air smelled of rain.

She left us the next evening..Memorial day to be exact and a hard rain did fall that night.

Sunday was always my day to visit my grandmas house for as long as I can remember Sunday became that day and even if I had to miss a Sunday , I always felt like I should be there instead of whatever took me away.

Today is Sunday and I feel like I should be there except she isnt here anymore..

About 5 weeks ago she had been complaining of severe pain,actually that pain had been going on for some time but she refused to let us take her to see a Dr but this time the pain became so bad that she agreed and I knew as I drove to pick her up my life was going to change.

We arrived at the hospital,my cousin and father met us there,we didnt speak the words but we knew it wasnt good.
Later that day my aunt and uncle arrived and they were in the room with her when the news came..she had terminal cancer and the outlook wasnt good.

The next 5 weeks went by faster than any other time in my 36 years of life..
We went to see a specialist that following Monday and he said in his opinion she had 4-6 weeks..she left us exactly 4 weeks later on a Monday.

Cancer sucks..but in the moments I can get beyond the anger I guess I have learned alot about life and love from cancer and in both my experiences with terminal cancer we were granted time..with my uncle we were given about 6 months and with my grandma about 5 weeks but any time when you know death is near is precious and if I can be grateful to cancer for anything it is Time.

During the past 4 weeks I was at her house helping her every day and one day I saw on her dresser words written on a small piece of paper,I looked at it and it said "Shelter from the Storm"..she always loved Bob Dylan..we were raised on his music or rather his poetry and I knew she had written that down because she was asking for shelter from this storm that cancer and pain was causing her and in that moment all I wanted to do was find that for her.

I thought I had experienced heart break before now..I mean to some extent I guess I have but not in this form,this is the kind of thing I have read books about ,the best songs are written about,this is real heart break and I am not sure it ever realy leaves.

I decided to write about my feelings and my journey with grief..im told grief has many stages..I am not quite sure what stage im in but I know I am a different person in only 6 days.

Today it rained all day until about 30 minutes ago..the sunshine is beaming and the birds are happy,I suppose I should try to be too..I think I will make some pasta pour a glass of wine and watch the sunset..my first sunday will be over soon .....